This has been a really rough but educational week for me. I flew back on a red-eye Wednesday night after my grandfather's burial. It was a beautiful ceremony with just the family. I knew Ye-Ye was overjoyed because he was finally with Nai-Nai again, and I was really glad for him. However, even that happiness couldn't help me from feeling that a part of me was missing.
As I walked back to Kirkland in the rain Thursday morning at 8 am, I felt extremely lonely and isolated even though I have so many loving and supportive friends and family. I fell into a fitful sleep for most of the day after sleeping just 2 hours on the plane. It's been difficult sleeping, and not just because of the time change. I keep thinking about Ye-Ye, my future, and what really matters. It's difficult being back here. I'm usually really bubbly and smiley all the time. However, I've been really depressed this week. It's hardest when people ask, "how are you doing?" and expect an "I'm fine." Do I just say the normal response or answer truthfully and risk dampening their spirits? I let the people close to me know how deeply saddened I am, but to everyone else, my face is a mask of "I'm fine". I'm used to always saying what I feel and being honest, so I am not used to this. When I tell people that it's been a really tough week. Most people assume I mean work, "Yea I know what you mean, I have a ton of papers/mid-terms/etc right now." But no, my trouble has not been work this week...
It's tough here because everyone is in their own little Harvard bubble: focused on their work, their own agenda for getting ahead in life. I understand that mentality because I've had it too. Now I'm trying to move forward because I don't want to get stuck in the past. But it's difficult to focus on work when this past week has shown me that there are much more important things in life such as family and friends. You never know how long you're going to have with them. Every moment is precious.
Thus, my grandfather is teaching me even when he's not physically present. I am even more motivated after this week to do something every day to improve others' lives and make a difference. I'm really glad that I did a Habitat for Humanity build with 9 of my OAASIS sisters today, like I did with my sisters two years ago. It was a great reminder of how rewarding it is to work with your hands to build something for someone else. It's also nice to be focused entirely on the present, unable to think about the past or future, which is my problem-- my brain is always going at 100 miles an hour (the reason for my insomnia...).
I've been thinking really long and hard about what I want to do in the future. I've had an internal battle for the past few weeks about whether or not to recruit this semester. I felt a pressure within me to recruit that I couldn't tell whether from an internal or external force. That's rare for me since I like to be unique, and usually follow my own path and passion, fighting the norm. I had thought consulting would be suitable for me because several consultants have told me that I would be really good at it with my people skills, problem solving abilities, love for travel, etc. I also didn't want to close any doors prematurely before really understanding the field first. However, at the same time, I'd been dragging my feet about practicing case studies while feeling the building pressure of interviews within the next few weeks.
I'm really grateful that I decided to go to the "Banking & Consulting: Myths vs. Reality" panel at OCS, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do Thursday after getting back. I thought I should give consulting one last shot. After the panel, consulting still seemed appealing, however, I let my thought simmer for a few hours. Then, around 11 pm Thursday, I had the epiphany that consulting is probably not for me! This past week traveling to and from California made me realize that while I love traveling, I do not enjoy the actual process of getting to my destination. My flight to California last Friday was cancelled and my second flight was delayed, ending up in a 10 hour ordeal, not even counting the 6 hour plane ride (I do not enjoy days in limbo that are out of my control). So the reality of consulting, traveling on Monday and Thursday to and from my destination truly hit me, and I realized that consulting was not as glamorous as I had first thought. This epiphany felt like a breath of fresh air, a huge weight off of my shoulders. I hadn't realized how stressed I had felt about recruiting until that moment. I could still recruit in the future should I ever want to, but this was the right decision for me, at least right now. I have finally made peace with myself and my decision. I am so glad that I don't have to practice case studies which I'd been dreading--another good indicator that consulting isn't right for me since those case studies simulate cases you'd have while actually working for the firm (duh, Karina...).
Even though I had my consulting epiphany two days ago, I had still debated whether I should apply to Bridgespan because I really want to help non-profits. But I finally realized tonight that my passion is truly in poverty-alleviation, health and nutrition. Thus, I want to focus my attention in those areas, which I would not be able to do even at Bridgespan because they have cases in many other sectors as well. Phew, so now consulting is really out of the picture! YAY! I can now focus on my true passions.
So I've learned and grown a lot within the past few days. I'm a week behind in work, but that's ok. I now know what really matters to me and have found my path again. Thank you Ye-ye, you have taught me more in one week about what is truly important than a month at Harvard.
Now that's an education.
As I walked back to Kirkland in the rain Thursday morning at 8 am, I felt extremely lonely and isolated even though I have so many loving and supportive friends and family. I fell into a fitful sleep for most of the day after sleeping just 2 hours on the plane. It's been difficult sleeping, and not just because of the time change. I keep thinking about Ye-Ye, my future, and what really matters. It's difficult being back here. I'm usually really bubbly and smiley all the time. However, I've been really depressed this week. It's hardest when people ask, "how are you doing?" and expect an "I'm fine." Do I just say the normal response or answer truthfully and risk dampening their spirits? I let the people close to me know how deeply saddened I am, but to everyone else, my face is a mask of "I'm fine". I'm used to always saying what I feel and being honest, so I am not used to this. When I tell people that it's been a really tough week. Most people assume I mean work, "Yea I know what you mean, I have a ton of papers/mid-terms/etc right now." But no, my trouble has not been work this week...
It's tough here because everyone is in their own little Harvard bubble: focused on their work, their own agenda for getting ahead in life. I understand that mentality because I've had it too. Now I'm trying to move forward because I don't want to get stuck in the past. But it's difficult to focus on work when this past week has shown me that there are much more important things in life such as family and friends. You never know how long you're going to have with them. Every moment is precious.
Thus, my grandfather is teaching me even when he's not physically present. I am even more motivated after this week to do something every day to improve others' lives and make a difference. I'm really glad that I did a Habitat for Humanity build with 9 of my OAASIS sisters today, like I did with my sisters two years ago. It was a great reminder of how rewarding it is to work with your hands to build something for someone else. It's also nice to be focused entirely on the present, unable to think about the past or future, which is my problem-- my brain is always going at 100 miles an hour (the reason for my insomnia...).
I've been thinking really long and hard about what I want to do in the future. I've had an internal battle for the past few weeks about whether or not to recruit this semester. I felt a pressure within me to recruit that I couldn't tell whether from an internal or external force. That's rare for me since I like to be unique, and usually follow my own path and passion, fighting the norm. I had thought consulting would be suitable for me because several consultants have told me that I would be really good at it with my people skills, problem solving abilities, love for travel, etc. I also didn't want to close any doors prematurely before really understanding the field first. However, at the same time, I'd been dragging my feet about practicing case studies while feeling the building pressure of interviews within the next few weeks.
I'm really grateful that I decided to go to the "Banking & Consulting: Myths vs. Reality" panel at OCS, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do Thursday after getting back. I thought I should give consulting one last shot. After the panel, consulting still seemed appealing, however, I let my thought simmer for a few hours. Then, around 11 pm Thursday, I had the epiphany that consulting is probably not for me! This past week traveling to and from California made me realize that while I love traveling, I do not enjoy the actual process of getting to my destination. My flight to California last Friday was cancelled and my second flight was delayed, ending up in a 10 hour ordeal, not even counting the 6 hour plane ride (I do not enjoy days in limbo that are out of my control). So the reality of consulting, traveling on Monday and Thursday to and from my destination truly hit me, and I realized that consulting was not as glamorous as I had first thought. This epiphany felt like a breath of fresh air, a huge weight off of my shoulders. I hadn't realized how stressed I had felt about recruiting until that moment. I could still recruit in the future should I ever want to, but this was the right decision for me, at least right now. I have finally made peace with myself and my decision. I am so glad that I don't have to practice case studies which I'd been dreading--another good indicator that consulting isn't right for me since those case studies simulate cases you'd have while actually working for the firm (duh, Karina...).
Even though I had my consulting epiphany two days ago, I had still debated whether I should apply to Bridgespan because I really want to help non-profits. But I finally realized tonight that my passion is truly in poverty-alleviation, health and nutrition. Thus, I want to focus my attention in those areas, which I would not be able to do even at Bridgespan because they have cases in many other sectors as well. Phew, so now consulting is really out of the picture! YAY! I can now focus on my true passions.
So I've learned and grown a lot within the past few days. I'm a week behind in work, but that's ok. I now know what really matters to me and have found my path again. Thank you Ye-ye, you have taught me more in one week about what is truly important than a month at Harvard.
Now that's an education.
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| Sunset at home representing the short term (tennis court) & long term view in life |
Beautifully stated, life-changing reflections, Karina! They'll help keep all of on track. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteYe-Ye would be proud to read this :)
ReplyDelete