What Really Matters

This has been a really rough but educational week for me. I flew back on a red-eye Wednesday night after my grandfather's burial. It was a beautiful ceremony with just the family. I knew Ye-Ye was overjoyed because he was finally with Nai-Nai again, and I was really glad for him. However, even that happiness couldn't help me from feeling that a part of me was missing.

As I walked back to Kirkland in the rain Thursday morning at 8 am, I felt extremely lonely and isolated even though I have so many loving and supportive friends and family. I fell into a fitful sleep for most of the day after sleeping just 2 hours on the plane. It's been difficult sleeping, and not just because of the time change. I keep thinking about Ye-Ye, my future, and what really matters. It's difficult being back here. I'm usually really bubbly and smiley all the time. However, I've been really depressed this week. It's hardest when people ask, "how are you doing?" and expect an "I'm fine." Do I just say the normal response or answer truthfully and risk dampening their spirits? I let the people close to me know how deeply saddened I am, but to everyone else, my face is a mask of "I'm fine". I'm used to always saying what I feel and being honest, so I am not used to this. When I tell people that it's been a really tough week. Most people assume I mean work, "Yea I know what you mean, I have a ton of papers/mid-terms/etc right now." But no, my trouble has not been work this week...

It's tough here because everyone is in their own little Harvard bubble: focused on their work, their own agenda for getting ahead in life. I understand that mentality because I've had it too. Now I'm trying to move forward because I don't want to get stuck in the past. But it's difficult to focus on work when this past week has shown me that there are much more important things in life such as family and friends. You never know how long you're going to have with them. Every moment is precious.

Thus, my grandfather is teaching me even when he's not physically present. I am even more motivated after this week to do something every day to improve others' lives and make a difference. I'm really glad that I did a Habitat for Humanity build with 9 of my OAASIS sisters today, like I did with my sisters two years ago. It was a great reminder of how rewarding it is to work with your hands to build something for someone else. It's also nice to be focused entirely on the present, unable to think about the past or future, which is my problem-- my brain is always going at 100 miles an hour (the reason for my insomnia...).

I've been thinking really long and hard about what I want to do in the future. I've had an internal battle for the past few weeks about whether or not to recruit this semester. I felt a pressure within me to recruit that I couldn't tell whether from an internal or external force. That's rare for me since I like to be unique, and usually follow my own path and passion, fighting the norm. I had thought consulting would be suitable for me because several consultants have told me that I would be really good at it with my people skills, problem solving abilities, love for travel, etc. I also didn't want to close any doors prematurely before really understanding the field first. However, at the same time, I'd been dragging my feet about practicing case studies while feeling the building pressure of interviews within the next few weeks.

I'm really grateful that I decided to go to the "Banking & Consulting: Myths vs. Reality" panel at OCS, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do Thursday after getting back. I thought I should give consulting one last shot. After the panel, consulting still seemed appealing, however, I let my thought simmer for a few hours. Then, around 11 pm Thursday, I had the epiphany that consulting is probably not for me! This past week traveling to and from California made me realize that while I love traveling, I do not enjoy the actual process of getting to my destination. My flight to California last Friday was cancelled and my second flight was delayed, ending up in a 10 hour ordeal, not even counting the 6 hour plane ride (I do not enjoy days in limbo that are out of my control). So the reality of consulting, traveling on Monday and Thursday to and from my destination truly hit me, and I realized that consulting was not as glamorous as I had first thought. This epiphany felt like a breath of fresh air,  a huge weight off of my shoulders. I hadn't realized how stressed I had felt about recruiting until that moment. I could still recruit in the future should I ever want to, but this was the right decision for me, at least right now. I have finally made peace with myself and my decision. I am so glad that I don't have to practice case studies which I'd been dreading--another good indicator that consulting isn't right for me since those case studies simulate cases you'd have while actually working for the firm (duh, Karina...).

Even though I had my consulting epiphany two days ago, I had still debated whether I should apply to Bridgespan because I really want to help non-profits. But I finally realized tonight that my passion is truly in poverty-alleviation, health and nutrition. Thus, I want to focus my attention in those areas, which I would not be able to do even at Bridgespan because they have cases in many other sectors as well. Phew, so now consulting is really out of the picture! YAY! I can now focus on my true passions.

So I've learned and grown a lot within the past few days. I'm a week behind in work, but that's ok. I now know what really matters to me and have found my path again. Thank you Ye-ye, you have taught me more in one week about what is truly important than a month at Harvard.

Now that's an education.

Sunset at home representing the short term (tennis court) & long term view in life

Ye-Ye, My Hero

So much can happen in a day. This time yesterday, Ye-Ye, my grandfather was still here, barely here, but in this world. Now, he is happily dancing with Nai-Nai, my grandmother, under the full Harvest moon. It's ironic that the place of my birth twenty-one years ago was the same place of my grandfather's passing. Everything comes in full circle. 

Ye-Ye was my hero. As his only grand daughter, I did everything I could to make him proud. And hopefully, I did. He was always so loving and affectionate. Every time I saw him, his face would light up. "Ka-riiii-naaaa!!" he'd sing. He'd kiss me on the cheek, and we'd nuzzle noses. “Did you know, you look just like Zaza!" Zaza was my grandmother, his late wife. He loved her with all of his heart, and I always felt so blessed that I looked like her and had her personality. "How’s Harvard?" He'd ask. "What year are you now? A Sophomore? Wha?! A Senior?! You know your father went to Harvard too!" When I was younger, he would come up to me and say, "look Karina, there's a little mouse in there," moving his biceps up and down. He was always so cheerful and smiley. A few weeks ago, he asked me for the first time, "Do you have a boyfriend? No?! What? Oh, you must have several!"

Ye-Ye was so principled. He always put his family first, sacrificing everything for them. He did what he thought was morally correct and never shied away from hard work. Leaving his comfortable life in Hong Kong, he came to America to give his three sons a better future. Ye-Ye walked to work instead of taking the bus to save the ten-cents each way, and eventually saved enough to send all three of his sons to Harvard, Princeton and Yale! He always advised my father, "first put in the big rocks, then the small ones, then pebbles, then sand. Have your priorities straight and you’ll finish what you need to get done."

This week Ye-Ye reminded me of my own priorities. I had been stressing a bit on Thursday. From classes, to papers, and meetings for jobs and fellowships, my day was packed until 8 pm. By 8:30, I was so exhausted that I took a quick nap. Half an hour later, I found out from my parents that Ye-Ye had a second heart attack and was unconscious in the ICU. I had been so caught up in the future with work, job interviews, etc. that Ye-Ye and his situation jolted me back to the present, this precious moment. 

The very next day, I flew back home to California with Mason, a 16 hour ordeal rather than the usual 6. But fortunately, we finally arrived home at midnight. I am truly grateful that we got to be by Ye-Ye's side Saturday. While standing next to his bed, I recounted my past memories with him:

• Going over to his and Nai-Nai’s house when I was younger, staying over that one night. I slept on the scratchy cot and it was extremely hot but it was worth it. They were so delighted-- it made them young again.
• Ye-Ye cooking us breakfast on the weekends: bratwurst sausages and sunny side up eggs in the morning with milk tea in tall Chinese mugs. 
• Listening to musicals on their record player: Man of La Mancha, My Fair Lady, South Pacific.
• Playing with the little toys which went "ee-ee-ee, ee-ee-ee". I seriously don’t know how we didn’t drive them crazy!
• Playing Indian Poker with him, Nai Nai, mom, dad, and Mason. Nai Nai would put her card on her forehead laughing since she didn’t know what she was. Him teasing people, "Bus Stop".
• Sitting in his huge blue car. Helping him clean his garage.
• Eating banquets at the Mayflower, then walking around the Great Mall. 
• Going to Red Robbins for dinner because they knew we loved it there, getting corn dogs or spaghetti, ice cream.
• Eating Dim Sum on weekends-- he sure loved his chicken feet!
• Playing scrabble with Ye-Ye on summer nights with dad and Liza. Even though it pained me to hear Ye-Ye's wheezing while playing, I’m so grateful that I got to spent most summer evenings with him. "Who's turn is it?" He'd ask. "Mine?! Oh ok." He'd put down a creative word such as "USA" or "TV". We'd high five and he'd laugh his full, hearty laugh.

Thank you for waiting for us to see you, Ye-ye. You were always so considerate-- you even waited for all of us to be at the hospital at 6:45 before passing 10 minutes later. As a master planner, you planned your passing perfectly. Last night just happened to be the full moon of the Chinese Mid-Autumn Moon festival. Thus, you brought us all together, as this celebration is wont to do. Right before you left, my mother and I both felt your presence by the window. I saw you as a young man, smiling at me, singing "Kaaa-riiiii-naaaa" like you always do. You were so content and healthy, and ecstatic that you were going to see Nai Nai again. 
 

Ye-ye, I am eternally grateful that I knew you for my whole life and that you got to see me become an adult. You have taught me so much about giving unconditional love, keeping my priorities straight, being in the moment, and living my life to the fullest. You had a long, fruitful life, reaching 90 last month! You fulfilled everything you wanted to in your life, and passed away blissfully, knowing that all of your family is well taken care of, loved, and content. But still, I can't believe you're gone. I miss your huge, loving, beaming smile, your full-bellied laugh, your shuffling steps. Every time I pass our pool house, I keep thinking your light will be on, and that you are working quietly at your computer. But I am trying not to be sad. I know you are joyfully catching up with Nai Nai and dancing in the moonlight. Please give her a kiss for me. I love you both, always and forever.